You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
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Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Just say no
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep