ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
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[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?