[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
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Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Tell the colonel to bring it
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more