[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
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Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I wish I were this cool 😂
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17