I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
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me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad