Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”