Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
thinking about a very short hotdog
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*