Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
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You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Just as the prophecy foretold
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.