me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
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GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…