Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
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me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
what are they serving at kfc then???
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”