stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
You Might Also Like
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Only Americans understand
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me