19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
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HELP 😭
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back