(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.