I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
You Might Also Like
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
it was a valiant fight
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.