Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
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It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.