I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.