Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
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Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My kitchen overserved me.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur