I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
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I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach