this is literally a CIA plant
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If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.