People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
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Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.