“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway