Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
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rapatouille
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
hi why am I like this
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out