8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
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me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I’m being attacked 😭
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.