sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
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*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.