wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.