*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
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This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
there has never been a better use of this meme
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?