Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”