Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.