Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
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Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
You know…for fall…
Xylophonist Shredding It
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏