You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
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(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.