“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
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A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
when nothing goes right… go left
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.