[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
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I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
c’mon!
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”