Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
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*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Snapes on a plane.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?