Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
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[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.