Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Got ya covered
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.