I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
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“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
repaired
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.