I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
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Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.