Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
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What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.