There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
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Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*