What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
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(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Guilty! 🤪
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
cry laughing at this shit
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.