Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
every single time
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.