we all know this pain all too well
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Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
the prophecy has been fulfilled
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.