Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
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guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
felt that
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
this post was so formative to me
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”