“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Happy Thanksgiving
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics