When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
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One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.