It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
You Might Also Like
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I think about this a lot
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what