Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
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me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Breaking news:
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.