My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
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“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you