Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
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If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.