Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
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“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁